everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
