I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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