Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
