I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
