I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
