I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
