You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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