I think I am morally bankrupt
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
