Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
