For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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