Non-Jews are for practice
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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