I wish I could punch you in the face.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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