Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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