if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I need moral support for this bender
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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