bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
