I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
