Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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