He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
