Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
