Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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