oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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