I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops