people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased