i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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