her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
