I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
