And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
