does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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