we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan