Texts From Last Night

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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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  (832): New invention idea: vibrating tampons http://tfl.nu/xv0s
  Replies (36) Good night (3508) Bad night (770)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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  (570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp
  Replies (16) Good night (804) Bad night (3435)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.

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  (317): I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking. http://tfl.nu/ymvd
  Replies (52) Good night (3840) Bad night (982)
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  (631): View more from New York

  So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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  (631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?" http://tfl.nu/ljzm
  Replies (51) Good night (2155) Bad night (6824)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
  Replies (10) Good night (4455) Bad night (756)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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  (609): His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me. http://tfl.nu/x400
  Replies (36) Good night (1190) Bad night (8492)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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  (224): Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it. http://tfl.nu/voj2
  Replies (6) Good night (2155) Bad night (893)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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  (732): the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over http://tfl.nu/4t6t
  Replies (8) Good night (3147) Bad night (597)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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  (219): The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up. http://tfl.nu/gycw
  Replies (4) Good night (1156) Bad night (836)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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  (781): Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade" http://tfl.nu/du64
  Replies (3) Good night (1169) Bad night (735)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he's gonorrhea incarnate

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  (201): he's gonorrhea incarnate http://tfl.nu/krir
  Replies (2) Good night (466) Bad night (1328)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off

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  (409): You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off http://tfl.nu/0o0c
  Replies (9) Good night (556) Bad night (1074)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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  (412): I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings http://tfl.nu/tlmy
  Replies (5) Good night (1119) Bad night (1481)
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  (916): View more from California

  They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

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  (916): They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk http://tfl.nu/jqnb
  Replies (3) Good night (375) Bad night (1347)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

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  (540): Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today. http://tfl.nu/qos3
  Replies (3) Good night (435) Bad night (478)

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