i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
