You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
