I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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