I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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