the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
