this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
