1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
