Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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