If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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