Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
