to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
