Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
