Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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