I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
