At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
