Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
