I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
