I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
