i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
