I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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