I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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