wrigley field is MILF paradise
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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