Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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