If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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