Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
as a side note pls kill me
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
