just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize