just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize