so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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