Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it because I queefed?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
