hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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